Think Well before Having Children. Copyright©2014 Tamajong Tamajong Philip
Contents
of the book
Why I Wrote this
Book. Disclaimer.
Piece 1: Parents’
Bad Choices Can Spoil Their Children’s Lives.
Piece 2: Bad and Good Reasons
for Having Children.
Piece
3: Difficulties in Caring for Children.
Piece 4: Knowing and Choosing
Your Ideal Partner.
Piece
5: Having Sex without Having Children.
Piece 6: Miscellaneous.
My websites and email address
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Think well before Having Children. Copyright©2014 Tamajong Tamajong Philip
Contents
of the book
**************************************************************
This
book is called Think well before Having Children.
My
names are Tamajong Tamajong Philip. This year is 2014. I am a 26-year old man staying
at home in Douala, Cameroon, to take care of my two little siblings while my
father goes to work. Taking care of them brings serious challenges. I am thus
able to preview what being a parent is like. Think well before having children. Count the cost before having
children. If you already have a child, think
well before having more children.
In this book I show you my thinking.
Here
are some words that I may use and their meanings: himer =him or her;
hiser =his
or her (possessive) ; heshe =he or
she .
What
you see in this book is my way of thinking. I am not commanding you to do what
I say. So please be responsible for your own decisions. I am not encouraging
pregnant people to get an abortion.
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Parents’
Bad Choices Can Spoil Their Children’s Lives.
It is easy to become a parent. Just have
unprotected sex with somebody of the other sex and if you are both sexually
mature the woman might get pregnant. You are then a parent.
But being a good parent is not easy. You
should think well before becoming a parent. If you cannot take good care of
yourself how will you take good care of a child? You might find yourself
complaining a lot because you were not well prepared for the challenges of
parenthood. Also, if you don’t have a good relationship with your partner then
you are inviting your new-born child into a painful battlefield. By “painful
battlefield” I mean that the child will experience the fighting and conflict
(and the consequences thereof) of its parents, and the atmosphere will not be
comfortable.
**************************************************************
Some people say things like: ”But they have
a child. At least the child should bring them back together.” I think that is a
selfish reason for having a child: if you have a child so that the child should
make somebody stay with you then you are using the child as a tool for your own
goals. Are you bringing a child into the world to solve the problems between
you and your co-parent? The child will have hiser (his or her) own problems in life so don’t add yours to them.
Solve your problems as parents because the child did not cause your problems.
**************************************************************
One
of the most common bad choices made by parents is having a child who is a
bastard (born out of marriage). To be precise,
they chose to have sex without marriage, and a child came from it. Not only can
this cause the parent to stop going to school but it causes social disgrace,
and possibly rejection, for the woman if
they don’t know who her child’s father is. If the child’s father or mother runs
away the child may feel sad when
seeing other children with their own fathers or mothers. If you have a child
out of marriage you can be available for the child without needing to marry the
other parent, because a poorly-matched marriage brings (more) unnecessary
problems.
**************************************************************
When a person has a child with a partner
out of marriage, and then has another child with another partner out of
marriage, and then has other children with other partners out of marriage, it
is causing confusion for the children. Some of these children may never meet
each other or even know about each other if they are living in different
places. This is caused by the parents’ actions. Imagine that you want to marry
somebody and then you learn that heshe (he or she) is your (half-)brother or
(half-)sister.
If you want to have children, that is be a
parent, I advise you to marry well first, so that you can avoid divorces which
will confuse the child(-ren). When I say “marry well first”, I mean marrying a
person who is right for you. Don’t let other
people choose a spouse for you. Let
them only advise you, then you make your own decision. Know yourself and
know what would make you happy.
If
you want to have children then the person you want to marry should also want
children, so that you both agree. You have to agree
before marriage, not after, so that each person knows what they are getting
into. If you don’t agree then don’t marry.
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Do
not bring forth children into poverty. A
poor child can be tempted to steal. A
poor child may grow up and try to escape poverty by marrying a rich person who
is not compatible with himer; this can cause problems including, but not
limited to, unhappiness and divorce, which in turn affects the children born of
the union. Your poverty could kill you and make your children orphans. If you are poor you can have marital sex
without having children, until your living standards become good.
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Piece 2:
Bad and Good Reasons for Having
Children.
Bad reasons for having
children:
1.
To (try to) get other people’s respect and
admiration.
2.
To (try to) make somebody stay with you even
if they don’t like you.
3.
To (try to) get economic
benefits, for example because the government gives money(“family allowance”) to
those who have children. You are using a child as a money-making tool.
4.
Because you are bored with
your spouse and you want a child to make life more interesting. (If you married
your ideal partner then I wonder why this should happen. Maybe your idea of an
ideal partner was not good. You married too fast and started thinking later.)
5.
Because you are afraid of
what people will say if you have no children, and you want to appear “normal”.
6.
You want somebody to
inherit your things, and you think the person must be only your biological
child. There are many poor and needy people; you can give your wealth to them
before you die.
7.
Because other people have
their own children. It is as if you want to be compared to other people. It is
also as if you do things only because other people are doing them. So if other
people gang up and kill somebody, you may be among them because that is what
other people are doing. Take your own decisions, and you may become a leader of
other people.
8.
Other people are telling
you to have children. Your parents want a grand-child. If you give them a
grand-child they may be happy and celebrate, but after that you will be left
with the responsibility of raising the child. People don’t celebrate a child’s
birth forever (except maybe in the case of Jesus Christ, but not everyone
celebrating Christmas is interested in Jesus Christ).
9.
You want the child to
follow in your footsteps, whether the child wants it or not, and if the child
chooses hiser own way you might say: ”You are ungrateful for all what I have
done for you.”
There may be other bad reasons for having
children that you can add.
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I think the good reason for having
children includes these features:
1.
you really want children, and
2.
you have counted the cost (sacrifices, e.g. loss of freedom, giving up your
dreams, etc.) of having children, and you still want children, and
3.
you are willing and prepared to take good care of the child.
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Before
begetting children the couple should ask, and answer, the question: “What will
happen to the child if one, or both, of us were to die or disappear the next
day after the child is born? Who will care for the child?”
If you have older children, consider that the older children will want to enjoy
their freedom so don’t just dump your new child on them.
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You and your partner should talk about
whether you want children or not before getting married.
If you strongly desire children then you
should marry somebody who also wants children so that you are both happy.
If
you want to have children but you want to delay it for some time (e.g. 5 years,
so that you can first do other things) then you should agree about that before you
marry.
If you don’t want to ever have children
then marry somebody who does not want to ever have children so that you are
both happy.
You can still enjoy sex with your spouse without having children.(Use a condom,
for example.)
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Your parents chose to have you as a child.
That does not mean you must choose to have a child just because your parents
had you. They had their own chance and they used it as they wanted; now you can
use your own chance as you want. People have different roads in life.
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There will always be people who want to
have children and reproduce, so if you don’t have children the human society
will continue to exist.
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For me, it is better to have no children
and have a happy relationship with a spouse, than to have children and be in an
unhappy relationship or marriage. On the day I ask a girl or woman to marry me
I will be seeing just her. Children are a by-product of the relationship. If a
child comes then I can love it and care for it, but it is not one of the reasons
why I would marry a person. This means that if the woman is barren I will still
be attracted to her and be happy with her. Life can be pleasantly interesting
if you are imaginative and creative and enjoy who you are; you don’ t need children
to make your life happy. You and your spouse can do many nice things
together(not only sex) if you have common values, interests and hobbies. This
is why knowing your ideal partner is
good.
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Marrying somebody because you already have
a child with them may be a bad idea. If the relationship between the parents is
bad then marrying may cause more problems(for example: quarreling) that will
trouble the child. You can provide for your child’s needs without having to
marry somebody who would not make a good spouse for you. You should be able to say: ”I married you because I like you very much”,
not ”I married you only because of the child.”
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You can enjoy sex with your spouse without
having children.(Use a condom.)
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Some parents spend much energy trying to
make their children happy but the parents don’t show so much affection to each
other. A parent may call the child “my love”, “sweetheart”, and ”darling” , but
ignore their spouse or partner. It makes me wonder whether the parent married
the child instead of the spouse. Those nice acts of love that you are showing
to the child could have been shown to your spouse too.
Taking
care of my future wife(including her emotional and sexual needs) sounds like
enough work already, but I want to do it. If
I can focus my energy on keeping my (future) wife happy and actually succeed
then I will be satisfied. Without children our attention to each other will be
undivided.
**************************************************************
If you have dangerous habits, for example addictions,
violent behavior and not forgiving people, then maybe a child is not for you.
You have your own self to take care of. You should not cause a child to be
subject to (or be the victim of) your bad habits. Having a child is not like
buying a new car or a doll. You can be careless with a car and buy a new one of
the same kind, but you cannot replace a unique person that you destroy.
**************************************************************
If
you don’t want to have children then you should tell your partner before
marrying himer, and heshe should have happily accepted it without being forced.
Don’t hide it and then tell your partner after the marriage, because they will
feel that you deceived them. Be honest
and brave to show the true you to somebody you want to marry. Yes, you may get
rejected, but that means the person does not like you as you are, so why marry
such a person? If the person truly
understands you and likes you as you are, then they will agree to marry you
when they know who you are and what you plan to do. If the person rejects you
after knowing who you are, then you should be happy that the rejection happened
before marriage. Keep searching or decide to stay single for the rest of your
life if you don’t find what you need. It
is better to be single and happy than to be joined with somebody and sad. (I
am referring to unmarried people, who are seeking their ideal partner.)
******************************************************
Difficulties in Caring for Children.
“When will this nightmare end?” I asked myself
tonight (30January2014,Thursday) . I am weary. I feel confused. I feel as if I
am losing my sanity. I need rest. There is no house-helper so only my father
and I are there to take care of my two little siblings. Update: On
Monday 3February2014 my father took his leave from work to stay home and care
for his children because he said about himself: “I cannot cope”.
**************************************************************
If I go and make a woman pregnant then I
have to be responsible for the child and I should not complain. But if I am not
yet a parent it feels unfair that I should sacrifice my desires, time, energy
and plans for a long time, to stay at home and take care of children that I did
not beget, even if I love them. My freedom is limited. And what will happen if
I beget my own children now? Double limitation for me.
The
costs of caring for the children include the
following:
1.
I have limited time for myself.
Having a period of being alone is difficult because I have to do housework and watch
them to keep them from hurting themselves, and the girl also hates being alone
so she frequently follows me to ask questions and will likely cry if she does
not get the attention she wants. I also wouldn’t go out of the house and leave
them alone. It is difficult to enjoy my hobbies when I am continually busy with
the children. I also want to become a Cisco Certified Network Associate (CCNA)
but studying for the exam late in the night is difficult when I feel tired. Due
to an attempt to make time for my own activities I may go to bed after
midnight, and then still wake up early. My hair is disheveled; I could even be
a Final Fantasy game character.
2.
My health is not good. I feel tired, sleepy,
sometimes dizzy, and my appetite for food seems to be dying. My eyes feel
heavy. But I dare not lie down to sleep lest my sister start crying, or the
children do something dangerous, or I hear someone say: ”A young man should not
be getting tired”. When I feel like this I easily get annoyed with the
children.
3.
My social life is limited. I cannot go out whenever I want and stay out
as long as I want. I don’ t invite people to visit me in a house that is not my
own. Yesterday(31January2014,Friday) I saw an attractive woman walking outside
when I was on the balcony. Being the single and searching man that I am, and
seeing that she looked almost like my ideal type, I wanted to go out and catch
up with her. But it was already 2 p.m. and my father would be bringing the
children home from school. So I did not go out. And a few minutes later my
father and my siblings were back.
*******************************************************
When the children were very little I had to
go out and buy many diapers many times, rise early to prepare them for school and
I went to bed late... And now: Rising early and going to bed late (Part Two), urging
the children to do their homework; seeing toys scattered on the floor; urging
the culprit to pick the toys; making our father’s bed and watching the children
promptly scatter it again by playing; taking one hour to feed them because they
don’t want to eat; hearing cries of “Philip, (name) has hit me!”;…I have no
desire to experience these things again as a real parent.
Joking with the children helps me to relax
a bit, but that is not a reason for having one’s own children.
Because of a water crisis in Douala I carry
gallons of water everyday. That tires me, and I still have to do house chores
and attend to the children. But there is
one good thing about carrying those heavy gallons of water: I get stronger.
And maybe in time to come my future wife will say with pleasure: ”What hunky
arms you have” ? I will also be able to carry her on our wedding day…?
*******************************************************
Maintaining a good relationship with your
spouse takes effort. Add to that the stress of raising children and you may be
overwhelmed. The combined stress of caring for your spouse and raising children
can affect your marriage badly. If you cannot handle it then you should delay, or
totally avoid, having (more) children and focus on having a pleasant marital
relationship. If your partner feels that
heshe is not getting enough attention from you heshe may be tempted to go
outside, so think about this before deciding to have children who will need
much of your time and attention.
*******************************************************
Children are a life-changing experience.
They change your life forever. There are certain things you may never be able
to do again when you have to take care of children.
*******************************************************
Knowing and Choosing Your Ideal
Partner.
Your ideal
partner is the kind of person you want to marry.
You
should know somebody well and like himer before you marry himer.
Don’t only ask other people what they think about the person, but interact
directly with the person yourself. Will the “other people” come and live with
you when you are married? (My answer is no.)
**************************************************************
Before
a woman chooses to marry somebody she should know what he wants to do so that
she decides whether she wants to be his “help meet” or not.
If you marry someone without communicating well first and then learn that heshe
is an assassin who needs an assistant, what will you do?
**************************************************************
Some people know what kind of films they
like, what their favourite colour is (I don’t have one but I have colours I
like), what kind of clothes they like, which activity they like (e.g. playing
video games) and which sport (e.g. football) that they like, but if you ask
them what kind of person they want to marry they may say things like: “I leave
it all to God” or “God’s time is the best” or “If we are destined to meet we
will meet”.
I
believe you should know the kind of person you want to marry, just like you
know how you want other people to treat you, or the kind of friends you want to
have. This helps you to avoid marrying a person that cannot satisfy you.
Here is an example of writing your ideal partner’s
qualities , if you are a man:
1.
…She has black skin.
3.
I can discuss video games with her, and she
likes to play them herself.
5.
She does not like to put on makeup, carry big handbags and wear high-heeled
shoes. She can wear slippers, sandals (flat footwear) and simple clothing
(dress, shirt, skirt etc.).
9.
She is in love with me.
13.
She is not jealous when I meet other women or girls.
16.
She accepts me as I am. She even likes me as I am, for my uniqueness.
17.
I enjoy talking with her.
18.
She is intelligent, knowing and willing to learn.
23.
…She does not mock my behaviour or
interests.
24.
She has compassion for animals. (But she
can kill mosquitoes, cockroaches, rats, mice, …)
27.
She does not nag and condemn, or show
contempt for anyone.
28.
She is not silent and reserved, though she
is not a talkative person.
31.
She is self-disciplined.
36.
She is strong and fit.
37.
She is not thin or slim. Her body is fleshy.
38.
We sit outside and look at the sky and
moon.
44.
She does not keep company with foolish
girls who gossip and do or say harmful things.
51.
She is not timid and cowardly. She is
brave, humble and respectful.
53.
She does not hide her attraction for me: she says she loves me deeply; and she
does not wait for me to say it first.
60.
She is very kind and her words are
encouraging.
70.
She has small breasts, thick legs and thick
ankles.
89.
She speaks good English and French.
122.
She is my best friend (or one of several).
126.
We are not willing to have children. We want to be each other’s top priority.
She does not have children.
-
She is available when I want her. She is not too
busy to have time for me, and she does not stay in a faraway place from me.
This means no long-distance relationship is wanted.
-
She is a Christian.
Look for who you want instead of choosing
anybody you see.
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You
and your ideal partner don’t need to be exactly the same but you have to agree
on the things that are most important to you.
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Language
is a big barrier between people. You have to consider what you will do if you
meet someone who has the qualities you want and does not have the qualities you
don’t want, but does not speak and understand your language.
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I
advise you, when defining your ideal partner, not to choose someone who has
harmful qualities. For example: don’t say “My ideal person is a man or woman who
smokes cigarettes a lot, drinks much alcohol, and beats me.” (There are women
who bully and or physically attack men or boys.) Make sure your ideal partner
is a good ideal.
You
may like someone’s bad qualities but they will not do you good. Love yourself and seek what is for your
good. For example, God is for your good because he loves you, so seek him.
**************************************************************
Are you marrying somebody because you like
them or because you want to have a child with them? If your main drive(motive)
is having children, then you might abandon your spouse if heshe cannot “give”
you children. If children are more important to you than your spouse then heshe
may become jealous and angry because you are not showing himer enough affection
anymore (if you were even ever showing affection, that is).
**************************************************************
If
people refuse to marry you because you don’t want children then maybe you
should stay single and happy, or keep searching for the person who likes and
accepts you as you are.
**************************************************************
Don’t marry somebody that it is difficult or impossible
for you to please. If you need to totally
change yourself (including your good qualities) before somebody accepts you
then you are not the right person for that person; you are not their ideal
partner. And even if you pretend or try to behave differently, you will not be
happy. Let them find someone they like, and you should seek someone who enjoys
you as you are.
**************************************************************
You
may know the kind of person you want to marry but you are not finding the
person. If you cannot find your ideal partner then: It is better not to marry than to marry a wrong type of person. There
are single people saying: ”I wish I had a relationship” and there are other
people saying: ”I wish I was out of this relationship.” So do not rush just because you feel alone.
Keep seeking your right type of person and do not settle for a poor
relationship. Imagine that you say:” I am tired of seeking my ideal partner so
I will marry anybody who wants me”, and then after marrying “anybody” you unexpectedly
meet your ideal person, that is, someone who has all the qualities you strongly
want. It will be too late for you to approach the person because you are
married to someone else.
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Good
character is important, but it is not enough for a good, exciting marital relationship.
A person of good character could be the wrong person for you if you don’t have
similar values, interests and hobbies. The person will be good but still bore
you, and you may meet somebody outside who is not only good but also more interesting
than your spouse, and temptation happens. So don’t rush to marry.
*************************************************************
I
recommend that you should have faith
that you will meet your ideal partner early enough, not when you are too
old. If Jesus could walk on water, then is it a difficult thing for God to
bring you (to) the kind of person you want? Be sure that this is the kind of
person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, so that you don’t
divorce.
Having Sex without Having Children.
Sex is for married people who are
married to each other. If the married people having sex are not married to
each other then it is adultery.
**************************************************************
You can enjoy sex with your spouse without
having children. Use a condom, for example. There is a birth control method
called a vasectomy where they operate you and try to make you permanently
unable to reproduce, but from my research on the Internet it is not guaranteed
to be one hundred percent effective, which means you can still have a child. I discourage it because if a mistake
happens during the vasectomy your body can be damaged. Also, some people may
regret it later if they decide to have children. So using a condom may be better because
your body stays the way God made it, and you can have a child when you want by
not using the condom.
There are exercises that train men to
control ejaculation or stop premature ejaculation (for example: Kegel exercises). I don’t think they
should be used as a birth control method because the flesh is weak and you may
not always have the self-control to avoid ejaculating and making the woman
pregnant.
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Miscellaneous. (Back to Contents of the book.)
1.
How happy it is to marry somebody who likes and accepts you as you are, and
whom you like and accept as heshe is. You will feel relaxed and comfortable
with each other. It does not mean that any of you is perfect, but you still
like each other’s qualities very much.
******************************************************
2.
I believe one reason why people divorce or separate is that they don’t like
each other’s behaviour. They can be physically attracted to each other but they
are not attracted to each other’s personality (anymore). This is why you should
know the kind of person you want to marry and spend life with. Don’ t look only
at the outward appearance, though the outward appearance is also important
because marriage includes sexual activity which is aided by physical attraction.
******************************************************
3.
Approaching a person that you like does not need a fixed method. Each person is
unique and you can have your own way of expressing yourself, instead of
memorizing speeches or “pick-up lines” to impress the other person. Even if
your memorized speeches win you a partner, your true personality will finally
show and what if heshe does not like it? It
is better to show your true self and get rejected from the beginning than to
get rejected after you have gotten attached or married to a person. If you
are a man approaching a girl or woman, you can in your own words tell her that
you are talking to her because you find her attractive and you want to know her
better. Tell her that you are not asking to be a mere friend; tell her that you
are romantically interested in her. Don’t
tell her that you want to marry her when you don’t know her well.
A woman can approach a man too. It is an
advantage for shy and timid men. Even if the man is not shy and timid, it lets
the man know that the woman exists, if he never saw her before. He can then decide
whether to know the woman better or not. A woman can approach a man by starting
a conversation on a topic that they are both interested in, and this gives an
opening for the man because he can meet her again. Or she can be direct and say
she is attracted to him and would like to know him better.
It
is better to express yourself and risk being rejected than to hide your
feelings, because you don’t know whether the person will be interested in you or
not until you hear their response. If
you are rejected, there may be another person who will happily accept you, so
keep searching, and be yourself so
that the person looking for someone like you can notice you easily.
I personally admire a woman who has the
courage to clearly show a man that she likes him, even if there is a risk of
rejection.
**************************************************************
4.
Having friends only because you are afraid of being alone is usually not a good
reason for having friends. (Sometimes it may be, though, for example in a
scenario where you and some other people are surrounded by wild animals, and
you need each other’s help to survive.) There are decisions that you must take
alone. Other people can only advise you but you take the decision. So you must
know how to be at peace with yourself and spend time alone with yourself.
******************************************************
5.
The teachings of Jesus Christ in the Bible are one of the best things I have
ever had in my life. He teaches forgiveness and love of enemies.
******************************************************
6.
The reason that I choose to follow God is
because he wants what is good for me. It is not because he created me, or is
the master of the universe, or is all-mighty. If God were a selfish, wicked
person then I would not follow him. Power is not everything. God’s kindness is
what attracts me to him, not his glory or power or majesty. And his son Jesus
Christ teaches me to also be kind to others.
**************************************************************
**************************************************************
8.
In answer to the question: “Why is there much death and suffering?” some may
say: “It is because of sin, or man’s wickedness”. I think it is also because we
are mortal, frail creatures. If everybody in the world were good, would that save
you from hurting yourself, or dying, if you fell from a high place? or from
getting burned by fire? or from dying of thirst in a big hot desert? or from
choking on a fish bone if no one can help you? or from drowning in water? or
from falling sick if you eat a harmful thing? or from getting attacked by a
crocodile?
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My websites and email address
Email: tamajongphilip@yahoo.com
